I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
