Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
