just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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