He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
