my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
