So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
