Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
