Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
