Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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