I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
