so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on