Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
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Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
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I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.