The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
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The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
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I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?