she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
