just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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