I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
