My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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