i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
