Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
