drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
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I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
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have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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