the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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