Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize