I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
