I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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