ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
