thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
