What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
