at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
