I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
