HIV tests are more positive than that guy
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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