Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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