Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
