quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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