i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
