they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
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He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
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My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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