Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
