I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
