i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
