So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
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