I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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