It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
