My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
