I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
