You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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