Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
