i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
