This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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