I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
