i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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