I puked a lego.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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