I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
