My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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