he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Randomize
