do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
