I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
