I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
