There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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