She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
