saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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