Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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