I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
high people should be assigned attendants
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
