At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Come on in and take your pants off
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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