Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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